In January of 2019, I formally stopped attending Mormon church services, though I had been in the process of disaffiliating for some time before (I had stopped paying tithing and had begun wearing black to indicate my mourning for my church in 2015). Medium became a new space for me to talk about the journey of leaving Mormonism. At first, I wasn’t sure if I was going to go back, but it has become more clear to me in the months since then that I had already lost everything that I was going to lose and that there was nothing to gain in going back. I still believe in a god of love, though not the god of Mormonism.